Jihad against the West: My theory July 26, 2010

The Real Jihad

Here’s what I was thinking about the other day while stuffing all of my toiletries of three ounces or less into a quart-sized plastic bag today.  Maybe 9/11 wasn’t the end all be all for Jihad on Americans and the western world, but it sure affected a large amount of the population.  We might have the idea of Jihad all wrong—sure, maybe there is celebration amongst the Taliban or Al Qaeda or {Insert Latest Media Label Here} when they hit us on a massive, one-time attack, but they have won a huge psychological victory for years to come. 

I have lost time and sanity since 9/11.  I now have to plan out my packing ritual a little more when travelling.  Ok—I’m staying a week—I have to take shampoo, but is this little container going to be enough?  Is my expensive perfume going to weigh in at a whopping 3.1 oz, resulting in me having to trash it?  Will I have to treat athlete’s foot from the airport security line when I get home?  And now I have to add an extra hour each way so I can get eye-raped by a million dollar xray machine that I will walk through and get patted down after anyway.  Tack a mark on the terrorist’s scoreboard—now we are all so scared of some crazy asshole blowing up his underwear that millions of people are losing a shit load of time that we’ll never get back wasting in fear of a minute possibility of one of these idiots made it aboard. 

Don’t get me wrong—I appreciate making it safely home on my flight.  But I don’t appreciate having to get violated every time I fly somewhere from that day on.  Here’s the thing Fox/CNN/MSNBC/etc.—you are not helping anybody except the manufactures of xanax by freaking us all out.   I think Al Qaeda had a large load of stock in Hefty and needed to figure out a way to sell more plastic bags.  They succeeded.

2012: Will the Nazi Zombie end to us all? July 25, 2010

Nazi Zombie

I got hooked on a show at the end of last year on TruTV where Jesse Ventura exposes all of the conspiracy theories that you and I as minions are not privy to.  Some of it was far-fetched (yet eerily supported by evidence) and one of them that really caught my attention was about Dec. 21, 2012.  Apparently the end of the world and the Denver Airport have something in common.

I had a layover in Denver the other day, so I took advantage of the time to check out some of the subliminal signs that the apocalypse is real and the airport is the place to go.  I’ll fill you in on a quick summary of what he said in the show:

1)      The government is building a huge underground bunker attached to the ridiculously expensive and excessive Denver Airport—something like 3 sq miles.  Don’t think so?  Look down when you are landing there next time–There are a bunch of building materials and a lot of construction happening in the middle of an empty field.

Oh Shit! Go to DIA!

2)      The location was picked because of its accessibility and its optimal layout for a bunker.  Have you seen the roof of this airport?  Apparently it is built on a Native American burial ground and long negotiations with tribal leaders final ended with the building of a teepee ceiling so the spirits could go to heaven.  The designers call it art.  Sounds like a lot of trouble for art, since they don’t even teach that in school anymore

3)      Speaking of art—What the hell is going on inside?  The person who commissioned the artists would have to either be a psycho or someone who knows some crazy shit is about to hit the fan.  Check out the pictures of a collection of murals that depict the extinction of all life on Earth as we know it.  Oh, and don’t forget the Nazi zombie that is stabbing a dove.  It could also double as light-hearted material to put your mind at ease while travelling.

4)      There is a Free Mason construction marker in the airport (yes that group of secret elitists that have been around for hundreds of years).  Hmm—I guess if anyone is going to know something is up, it will be them.

On the show one of the bunker’s designers confirmed its existence and pretty much laughed at the idea of anyone who isn’t supposed to getting in.  Well my guess is it’s going to be a bunch of crusty old rich men and some hot chicks half their age.  But here’s the thing that I am guessing they didn’t think about—someone is going to have to clean up after their asses, make their food and do all the things they pay other people to do in life above ground.  These folks aren’t going to last long.  Of course maybe they have a plan, and I am just not aware of it because “marketing” isn’t on the top of the list of must-haves in the bunker.       

Who knows what the truth is.  If 2012 does end up being real, my best advice would be to follow the murals.  I am not sure if you are going to get in, but I’m guessing if you are willing to scrub toilets or pick fruit, you might just make it.  I think I’ll take my chances outside.

(Random note—The Nazi Zombie mural… some drunk chick in SF was going on about zombies coming out of the oil spill in the Gulf.  Sounded crazy but maybe she knows something I don’t).